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Question: can i post the first chapter of my story here?  I want to know what other people think.

Posted Jun 30, 2009, 05:14:03 PM

[thank you.  Well here it goes]


                                                      (Content deleted by author)
if you want to read it again, just ask and ill post it again.

Last Modified Oct 17, 2009, 01:13:14 PM

*jaw drop* you really think its that good.  i mean, i hear from my friends that they like my writing, but i didn't think it was THAT good.  wow, thanks, you just made my day.
unfortunately, i still think that the next chapter isnt as good.

Last Modified Jul 01, 2009, 10:48:51 PM

I'm over halfway through with my novella. *puts hands on hips and smiles* If you've seen Ella Enchanted (or better yet, read the book!) its sort of like that. When Gabriela is born her mother dies and a faerie "blesses" her with the ability to see peoples deaths when she looks in their eyes. When the court requests her father's bakery cater the royal wedding (The king is getting re-married as an alliance with another country) Gabriela is sent to the palace where she befriends the prince's cousin Lady Elaine... Well, anyway, she falls in love with him then see's him being murdered and must do whatever it take to save him. 
This is a short excerpt from the book:
 

I stared at the lavish food down the middle of the long table. Everyone in this castle must be guilty of gluttony, I laughed to myself. The men in green livery came along putting food on our golden plates and pouring cordials and wines into the golden goblets that sat before everyone.

                “We will have that one.” Lady Elaine instructed and a bright red cordial was poured into our goblets. “I know it was a bit different last night, but what do you think?” She asked me when they were finished serving.

                I shook my head and smiled. “I’m not certain. Surely, this is some sort of sin. Do you eat like this every night?” She just laughed.

                We ate in silence for a moment while the other young ladies around us whispered and giggled. I looked around the dining hall. I was too worried the night before to take much of it in. Like the rest of the palace it was beautiful and extravagant.

                “Why is Queen Dimitris staring at us?” A young lady with red hair and freckles asked.

                “I do not know. Elaine must have done something to offend her.” Another girl laughed.

                Lady Elaine gave them a sharp look and took a sip of her cordial. “Oh! Do not look now but Prince Sterling is looking at me.” A girl on the other side of me giggled.

                “He’s not looking at you, silly, anyone can see he is looking at me,” said the girl that had suggested that Lady Elaine had offended the queen.

                Lady Elaine laughed loudly. “Actually ladies, I am certain he is gazing at darling Gabriela.” She said teasingly.

                “Me? Why would he be looking at me?” I asked confused.

                “Why indeed?” Lady Elaine raised one eyebrow and giggled.

                I blew it off and listed to the clatter of plates as the food was beginning to be cleared. Two of the young knights stood up and walked to an empty corner of the dining hall. When I looked closer I realized it was not so empty at all. There were spears, swords, bows, arrows, and a makeshift target.

                “What are they doing?” I asked.

                “Oh, they always put on a show of trying to out do one another.” Lady Elaine answered.

                We watched for a moment. They picked up the bows and arrows first. The target was a circle with a stone sitting on a platform in the middle. The larger of the young lords stepped up first. He backed away from the target twenty paces. He held the bow up and strung an arrow. He stood a moment, pulled it back, another moment, release. The arrow whizzed toward the target. It just barely missed the stone.  The smaller lord followed suit. His arrow bounced off the rim of the circle.

                The first knight laughed. “Who else will challenge me? Are any of you pups brave enough?” He asked arrogantly. The other lords laughed and shouted things back at him. I looked over in time to see Lady Elaine’s face light up mischievously.

                She grabbed my arm and pulled me up with her. “Miss Gabriela will!” My mouth fell. No, she did not say that. I had only once even mentioned I could shoot a bow. She had never even seen me! I closed my eyes. There was silence for a moment and then the young lord barked a laugh.

                “Of course she will.” Lady Elaine shoved me forward. I stumbled and walked up to him timidly. He shoved the bow and an arrow into my hands. “Do not hurt yourself, young miss.” He was nearly twice my size and he was trying to intimidate me. I shoved him with my shoulder as I passed. I heard him snicker. I tuned out the sound of the other lords’ snide comments and avoided the ladies’ disapproving looks and whispers.

                I walked up to the target and backed up twenty paces, same as the other two had. I took in a deep breath, held up the bow, strung the arrow, pulled my elbow back, focused on the stone, exhaled, and released. I closed my eyes and there was silence. The only sound was two thuds and the arrow clattering on the stone floor. When I opened my eyes the stone was no longer in the middle of the circle.

                I turned to face the arrogant young man. He snapped his jaw shut when I looked at him then smiled, “What good is a woman archer, anyway?” He laughed. Several other young men joined in.

                “Well, when your tail is in trouble, I am certain she will not be coming to your rescue!” Lady Elaine shouted.

                I saw the looks on his face and hers and heard the snickers that circled the room. I could not help but laugh, despite the sensation of being suffocated by all the eyes that were now on me. I heard someone clap and then another and another. It was the king, the prince, and, of course, Lady Elaine. I laughed and walked back to the table to stand beside Lady Elaine and hide from the eyes of the court.

Posted Jul 03, 2009, 07:00:09 PM

*blushes* Thanks! =) I'm starting to freak out because I'm getting so close to the end. It looks like it will be about 25,000-30,000 words. Do you think that's enough? I have around 16,000 right now...

Posted Jul 04, 2009, 10:14:53 AM

That's good to know! I've been worrying about that some. Yeah, crazy me has already been thinking about a second one, though I'm not sure if I'll do it. =) I don't even know what I'm going to title this one... -_- I'd love for you to read this when I'm done, some of my friends have read bits and pieces, but most of them aren't the type to sit down and read something I write all the way through. Though, I can't really blame them. They'd be awfully busy if they did! haha=)

Posted Jul 04, 2009, 02:54:30 PM

I'm sorry, EmilyRuth. My mom won't let me send it to anyone through the Internet if I don't know them personally. :( I should have talked to her about it earlier because now I feel bad that you can't read mine since I read part of yours. *sorry puppy dog eyes lined with tears*

I really am sorry and I could post a few excerpts on here but ... yeah, I know it's not the same. I love reading the comments you make about fixing or making something better in my stories. It helps a lot!!

Oh, I also have a question I've been meaning to ask you: when you think you are going through a boring part of your story (those two weeks that are left in the wide right in the middle of your story but you have to have it in there or the timeline will be lost), what do you do? I had this problem in Little Angel and I just decided to make one of the characters a little more dramatc (which didn't help a lot). Any suggestions if this happens in a future story?

Posted Jul 06, 2009, 08:51:57 AM

gwtb: that's quite alright; I understand :) I'll just be left imagining how exceptionally amazing it is.

Hm... I have that slow spot too. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear them too!

elaina: no matter what you do, if you don't like it you won't do well at it. I'd say if you don't want to be a doctor, don't go for it. Try other things as well. It may be that you will end up a writer, but it may also be that there's something else out there you'd love. You could even try journalism or something of the like :)

But before you decide to be a 'writer', I'd try writing a few books and see how it goes. It's definitely true the income will be low, and you will probably live with your parents (haha.. Laurie Halse Anderson told me this) for a while. You'll have to have another side job to support you, unless you make it as a best-seller.

My personal opinion would be to try other things as well. Get settled in with a job you really enjoy (it may have to do with writing), and write on the side for a while. This is just my opinion though, and it may be wrong :) Get lots of opinions on your writing too! Teachers, parents, friends, anyone you can.

Posted Jul 06, 2009, 10:19:28 AM

That's what everyone tells me. They ask me what I want to be and I try to tell them a bit and its always "Oh. I thought you'd want to be a doc. or lawyer or engineer or something." My thing is I LOVE education (Well, depending on the subject. I hate math!) I love history and I love to travel. So, I know I DO want to go to college (I'm going into 9th grade and I'm going to take some classes at the community college while I work on my highschool stuff) I'm not a very practical person so I've been thinking about archeology,  writing, and lingustics (Yes, I know I probably didn't spell that right, thank God for microsoft word!). Because that way I could do the things I love. Archeology and writing don't pay very well to start and sometimes never really do, but with lingustics there is all kinds of jobs you can do and make good money doing.

As for slow spots in the writing... I try to fill them in with a few vivid events, whether its just the character walking in the forest or looking out of there window or chatting with random people. It doesn't really sound that great but when you think about it that's what alot of authors do.

Posted Jul 06, 2009, 11:25:55 AM

interesting. I liked how it was a pretty serious and deadly piece but you made it funny with the 'Crazy Joe' thing. You have just the right amount of detail and thought process intermixed with the action. I'm quite eager to see where this goes! have you checked out the Add-On Story? :)

to the rest of you: hola peeps! I'm completely covered in bug bites but I'm alive, as vroengirl so helpfully pointed out to me earlier today. maybe you guys can tell me what the nanothingy is about, because it sounds like a lot of fun. vroengirl and I were thinking about writing a story together... but it's not going very well right now. lotsa other stuff going on. but if we had a deadline... well, then we'd kinda have to crank it up! sounds fine by me! :) anything that doesn't involve mosquito repellent is okay by me at this point, actually. (my hair turned literally a whole shade lighter after my shower. it was kinda gross.)

anywho, I was going to put up the newest bit of Sorceress but I forgot which piece, so maybe later I guess............................................

Posted Jul 06, 2009, 05:22:27 PM