E. Lockhart's Ruby has answered some of your questions from our activity "Ask Ruby" and she's answered some of them! Read the questions & answers below.
Do you have a question for Ruby? Ask her here.
Check out her answers to the second series of questions asked by Random Buzzers!
Ruby says:
Hello! Again you sent questions. Again I answered.
I could not answer them all! There were so so so so so many.
Also: I am a 17 year-old fictional character with some mental
problems, hardly any friends and some serious boy trouble. You can read
all my adventures in The Boyfriend List, The Boy Book, The Treasure Map of Boys -- and in 2010, Real Live Boyfriends.
This means I am in no way qualified to answer anything really, and some
questions were far beyond my capacities. But I did my best -- and
sometimes I've had to consult my therapist, Doctor Z, as to how an
actually sane person might handle situations.
Please take all my advice with buckets of salt.
P.S. For all questions about writing and inspiration and publishing --
in other words, for questions you really want to ask E. Lockhart (who
wrote The Boyfriend List and all the other Ruby books), go check out her FAQ: www.e-lockhart.com
And you might like the blog, too: www.theboyfriendlist.com
To all of you with crushes on guy friends.
Yes, all of you.
Many many many of you!
I say: kiss him.
Worst thing is it could be seriously insanely awkward because
he'll say no thanks. But he's your friend, so he won't be a jerk about
it.
Best thing is a kissing adventure and romance!
And really, how are we women going to be presidents and film
directors and heads of corporations and principals and activists if we
just sit around being passive all the time?
It is better to take action and try to get what you want. At least you'll respect your own bravery.
Q: My hair is really flat. I was wondering how to make my hair have more volume.
A: I don't know. My hair is flat, too.
Q: How do you know so much about boys?
A: I think about them a really lot.
Q: Hey Ruby, my question is, Who designed the front cover of your book?
A: Angela Carlino at Delacorte designed The Boyfriend List, The Boy
Book, and The Treasure Map of Boys. When Book 4 comes out (Real Live
Boyfriends, Fall 2010), the whole series will get a redesign. You'll
even see WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
Q: When someone leaves you, is it because they want to? or because they want to mess with you?
A: Either way, you're better off without that person. If he/she wants
to leave, you can't change that situation. And if he/she is messing
with you, you don't want to be messed with. Hold your head high and
move on. I say this from HORRIBLE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, as you can read
in The Boyfriend List and its sequels.
Q: I want to try new stuff, to get out there and find things that I
enjoy and make friends while doing it. But I'm home schooled and I
don't have a job so I don't meet new people and things like that. I
want to try out for a play in a town close to us but I'm so shy that I
don't think I'll make any friends. Do you have any ... ideas?
A: You know the answer already. Yes, try out for the play. Get a job.
Do some volunteer work. Go to your local library and find the teen
librarian and ask about programs (this is a good way to find other shy
people as un-shy people are not spending their free time in the
library).
And about the job: Not babysitting! Then your new friends will be
babies. And not the zoo, although I do love my zoo job. Because my
friends there are llamas. A job with humans.
Q: What's a sure way to get a guy's attention?
I wear fishnets. But then, everyone at school thinks I am a giant *. So ah. You might not want to go with that approach.
Q:My best friend and I aren't getting along anymore. We haven't
talked in weeks, and with school starting up, I'm scared of how to act
around her. What should I do?
Oh, ag.
I don't know.
I wish I knew.
I lost my best friend and feel scared of how to act around everyone at
school, too. All I can really say is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is a
seriously awkward and upsetting thing when a friendship goes sour.
Q: My sister is a former heroin addict, and she has an abusive
boyfriend. Me and my parents have tried everything we could to help
her, but she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants. She says she loves
her boyfriend and doesn't want to live without him. I worry that she
might try suicide. How can I talk to her about him without causing her
to pull away from me?
A: This is way beyond my experience, but I am so sad and sorry you are
going through this. And your whole family, too. And your sister. I
would start with the LIBRARY. That library is your friend, because the
books are free and you can search and find all kinds of books on
dealing with abusive relationships, and with having family members in
abusive relationship. I'd check out some of those and look for
professional advice there.
Q: I had a friend who was planning on getting rid of me for months with
out telling me. And it really hurt me. Any idea how to get over it?
Write all the horrible things she did down on paper. Then burn it or rip into shreds and flush it.
Repeat the next day. And the next. Until you feel a little better.
This is advice from Doctor Z, which Nora and I use in Real Live Boyfriends (coming out Fall 2010), following the Wenchery of Kim and Cricket.
Q: My boyfriend is going on vacation to ocean city for a week with a
few of his guy friends. No girls (or parents)allowed. Should I be
concerned about cheating or too much partying?
A:I think you can say, "Don't drink and drive. It is severely unsexy
and also stupid and idiotic. Take a cab you fool, because I want you to
come back in one piece." Make the partying seem stupid and
unattractive rather than manly manly and cool, which maybe he thinks it
is.
As to the cheating:
Ahem.
You obviously ARE concerned, which means you maybe don't trust your
boyfriend the way it would be nice to trust a boyfriend. The question
of how to talk to him about it is the real problem -- but you know
what? I think if he's inclined to cheat, then talking to you about how
you're worried about it is not actually going to make him NOT cheat.
It's just going to make him feel like you're freaking out. So this is a
GIANT PAIN, because you have crappy feelings and if you talk about them
it's not going to change the situation and it you don't talk about them
it's going to fester and you'll have suspicion and badness between
you.
So I am being no help at all, here, but I will say this: maybe a boyfriend you fully trust would make you happier?
Q: Dear Ruby, I have a really great friend who copies me in
everything I do and it gets annoying after a while. Ever since she
showed up wearing the same outift as me I havent been able to look at
her in the same way. I am fed up by her always copying me What should I
DO?!?!?!
A: Ag. About the outfits, you can say, I was so embarrassed we wore the
same outfit, weren't you? And maybe she will get the hint.Because of
my name, my mom bought me the picture book Ruby, Copycat when I was a
kid. It's by Peggy Rathmann. It might make kind of a good present for
your friend, as a way to start the conversation, if you want to try a
direct approach.
Q: Hey Ruby, I have three brothers and their allways yelling at me
to move or get out of the bathroom. They don't understand personal
space. When I ask them to do something they blow me off. And sometimes
they can be just plain mean and disrespactful. My parents don't see how
they act torwds me so they say I'm just overreacting. I've tried to
deal with on my own but it allways backfires and they end up being
worse than they were before. How do I deal with it, without making the
problem worse?
A: I am an only child so I know nothing about brothers. But what if you
killed them with kindness? Bring them little snacks or gifties now and
then; compliment them. Doctor Z says that boys, despite much evidence
to the contrary, are not pod robots or Neanderthals or Cretins, but
ACTUAL HUMANS with feelings. So it might be useful to try dealing with
them as such.
Q: Why do boys act like they don't care when girls lay there emotions right on the table?
A: Because our society puts intense pressure on boys and men to conform
to an ideal of masculinity that involves not showing emotion. Isn't
that crappy for them? Big boys don't cry and all that kind of thing.
So they are trying to act like men, and the accepted codes of behavior
for men are extremely limited (Don't dress up! Don't dance! Don't show
feelings! And so on). It's actually a huge way our society opresses
men. They are like, trained from babyhood to avoid self-expression,
about feelings especially. All this courtesy of my American History
& Politics class that I took Sophomore year.
Q: Dear Ruby, I'm a 15 year-old teen. I know what love means when it
comes to family and friends, but I'm having a hard time defining it
when it come to boys. In the past I've felt like I've been in love, but
I don't know if it was true. What is love in a nut shell and how does
it differ than lust?
A: This is a major topic, and a subject I explore at great length in Real Live Boyfriends, which comes out in Fall 2010. So for the long answer, read that book when it's out.
My shortie answer: Love is when you want to tell him as soon as
something's happened to you. When you're willing to deal with the
person's boring, mental stuff. When you feel like you "get" him and he
gets you. When you don't mind if his hair looks stupid. When he
doesn't mind if your hair looks stupid.
Q: What should I do when my brother beats up my sister?
A: Stop him. Tell a grown-up. Give her self-defense tools. Maybe she
could take a martial arts class or something. Don't sit by and watch
wrong happen.
Q: How do you feel about being a character in a book?
A: Lalalalalalalalalalalala I can't hear you
Q: I think im in love with my best friend but he has baby on the way
but him and his baby mama ain't talking anymore should i feel bad for
having feelings for him?
A: Okay, this is way beyond my experience, but here's my gut reply:
If this guy isn't taking fatherhood seriously and stepping up to the
plate, he is not -- I repeat NOT -- a good candidate for love with
you. He needs to get it together with the baby mama (as friends or
whatever they work out) and be a DADDY and take responsibility for that
kid before he's ready to do anything else. He needs to get his
parents on board, get a job, finish school, show up and be a dad to
that kid. And he needs to learn to use protection. Hello? You can get it at any drugstore. Is not hard.
Q: Ruby, I know a guy who is very kind, but also religious. While
I'm somewhat religious, I don't believe in the same religion as he
does. Additionally, I'm Asian, and he's white. I've never asked anyone
out before. I'd kind of like to ask him out, but I'm too afraid of
there being too many differences between us. What should I do?
Ask him out. Go you. If there are too many differences, don’t go out again. Is just an evening.
Q: When you see couples that have major age differences, such as the
45 year old teacher with their 19 year old ex-student, do you think they're really in love?
A: As a 17 year old, I do admit that Mr. Wallace, my literature prof
and swim coach, is extremely hot. And he's maybe thirty. So it's not
impossible. But as he himself taught me in American History &
Politics, the scenario you describe with the teacher and the ex-student
-- that's questionable NOT because of the age difference, but because
the teacher/student relationship is one with serious power imbalances.
One person used to be subject to the other.
Which can result in confused notions of hotness.
In other words, I may find Mr. Wallace hot BECAUSE he's my swim
coach and bosses me around. People find power sexy. It's a documented
fact. But then, that power imbalance is not what you're looking for in
an ideal relationship in the twenty-first century, is it? So it's not
about age difference. It's a question of equal status in the
relationship.
Q: I am a perfectionist, and I was wondering how I could get my
parents, friends, and boyfriend to stop seeing it as a bad thing? It's
really not bad, is it?
A: Um. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like to be around perfectionists, myself.
They make me feel inadequate because whatever I've done is never good
enough for them. Or they freak me out with their anorexia or their OCD
neatness or their self-flagellation for themselves not being perfect
enough.
I say this to you as a person with MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES and many
personality flaws, so please know I am saying it with love, but if
people are complaining about your perfectionism, it's probably a little
toxic to be around.
Q: What do you do when you fall for your best friend's boyfriend?
A: Leave him alone. Prioritize the friendship. I say this as someone
who (as you will see if you read The Boyfriend List) has messed up her
friendships in the most serious way, and also as someone who has had
her best friend steal her boyfriend. You might have this friend for
LIFE.
Q:One of my very best friend's older siblings is kind of rude to me.
His sense of humor often comes off as mean. He'll make little jabs at
my imperfections and I'm not sure how to handle it. Help me.
A: In The Boy Book there is a list of "clever comebacks to catcalls"
that Nora and I researched and used to thwart Neanderthal Darcy and
other villains. Maybe some of those would help you?
1) Join the twenty-first century.
2) Try to imagine how little I care.
3) Have you had your brain checked? I think the warranty has run out.
4) I can't get angry at you, today. It's 'Be Kind to Animals Week'.
5) Didn't I dissect you in Biology class?
6) Did you take your medication today?
7) I'll try smiling--if you try being smarter.
8) I'm curious, did your mother raise all of her children to be sexists, or did she single you out?
And some extras, for specific situations: If he says, "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy," then you say,
"If I could see you naked, I'd die laughing." And if he says, "Hey,
baby, what's your sign?" Answer, "Do not enter." And if he calls down the street as you ignore him, "Hey baby, don't be
rude!" Reply, "I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant." And if
he says, "Can I see you sometime?" Say, "How about never? Is never good
for you?"
That's all! Thanks for sending in your questions! 
Have a question? Send it over here!
Last Modified Oct 07, 2009, 02:44:05 PM
